A week in review
april 12th to the 18th
Brilliance finds ironic channels through which to announce itself in our lives. Last week I felt brilliance express itself through happiness. Its been a long time coming. That feeling of content and true happiness. In the end I know its not happiness; just excitement disguised. But nevertheless I love the feeling.
Easter was awesome. My sister and brother-in-law came up to nova for easter. I've been really contemplating my place in a religion that judges and it makes me feel bad to not feel dedication that has been such a big part of my life. I've lost all effort and dedication for religion. I guess this stems from my manipulation of myself. Around freshmen year of high school , I was really preachy all the time. It was sick. I judged on a moral basis. And I know that they really didn't reflect on my true ideas of the world but nevertheless I did it. Over the transitioning summer between 9 to 10 grade I changed myself. Unfortunately I lost alot more than my judgement. I no longer had political convictions and I lost a deep connection with my catholic religion. I really don't agree with institutionalized religions in their entirety. I mean sure perhaps beneath the money, corruption, manipulation, and judgement, they have positive intentions that maybe someday aimed at making this world a better one. But somewhere along the line religious institutions lost that luster for life and made god a symbol for control. Now, I'm not atheist, I do believe in science and do believe one should be good for goodness-sake and not in response to a preacher or religious text but I still maintain a strong connection to god. I believe that there is a god. Life is too unbelievable and magical not to have been created by a god. And although I am opposed to peoples manipulations of god to satisfy their own selves, I do make god my own, in that I suppose he or she or it doesn't view the world as black and white as religion does. The world is grey and I love that and understand it, now only if religion could get that. I also agree with the marxist belief that religion is a tool to keep the poor poor and ignorant because people will believe anything in response to god. They do not realized they are being lied to and thats the biggest offense to me, to tarnish and take advantage of one of the most beautiful human traits: faith.
This made me happy because I realized that I still believe strongly in god and that my spirituality is something that I can maintain as a constant in my life. I am sorry to break away from something that established traditional foundations and nostalgic memories with in me but thats what makes life so brilliant; we can let go. So that was a life changing easter. And spring break was over. It was one of the most stressful spring breaks in that I had to really well prepare and essay and portfolio pieces for corcoran. I went for my interview and I remembered how much I want to go there but I really didn't think I would get in. I went for my interview so as to not have that doubt forever. So anyway spring break was over and I was ready for some hard work as school. I had to prepare for my IB art show. I set up on monday. And that was soo much fun and interesting. I felt that all of our collective stress (between all IB art people) made us a family at least for those two days. I skipped all day and set up the show and had friends help me and I helped them and at the end it really came together. Seeing my work up on display gave me a feeling I'll never forget. For the first time I was proud of myself. And it did good things for my esteem. I didn't need anyone telling my how great my work was. I didn't need anyone to say anything because this time I had nothing to prove to anything but myself. I understood my self-worth and realized who my true friends are and that I'll always remain prideful for my talent. I won't ever let anyone question myself but myself.
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