Evening lovelies. I've got a story to recite.
I slowly come to realize the increasing impossibility of containing perplexities and making sense of senseless within. I'm all too self aware sometimes and its becoming detrimental to my sanity and overall health. My cognitivity is now only a fools tactic to avoid the unavoidable. Meaning that despite my ability to know the subtleties of my character and the things they do to people; the moment people doing something blatantly obvious and direct to me, I crumble within. I know... I'm confusing. Well let me explain this in a way that's not so Bob Dylan.
Okay. The only way to explain my deteriorating esteem is to explain how the last straw broke the camels back this week. So. Last Saturday, I went to Marymount University, a school I've been accepted to. I wanted to see the school I'd be in, if i choose to go there. After the open house event, I was left with a lot of concerns regarding my possible admission to this school. I'm going to be honest, I have my reservations. I just don't think a suburban atmosphere is one for me. I love the city. All I've ever wanted to be is a face in the crowd and to commit to individuality on my own terms. I don't know, that conviction of mine is an ambiguous one to say the least. I want to be invisible but only when I want to. I want to be a faceless person among a crowd but not a number at a school. I want to be alone, but my fucking codependency won't ever let me. Cosas de la cual se tienen que pensar.
Anyway college is a mindfuck right now. Its not some silly decision you can retract the moment you realize the freshmen fifteen is not a myth or that you got "accidentally" date raped while dancing to Daddy Yankee. There are bigger things to think about. These schools; they love to convince you through the mundane. I just can't react to that anymore. I am past the frivolity. I want to see how high I can fly. The point is I've been a wreck since. But it's not like I've never been a stressful wreck before.Its like that constant in my life. You know; the way anorexics are hungry all the time, so much so that they forget they are. Its just that feeling they've come to accept as a normality... well that's stress for me. And thus this will forever be the only comparison between me and a anorexic... you see I am text book OPPOSITE of a thinspo person.
The stress derived by my worries about college were only to be included on my growing lists of "stresses." I started the week at school fine. I mean as fine as school can be. Art. What interesting IB course that is. First of all, by no dimension of the world should the art course I'm currently enrolled in be labeled an IB class. You can perhaps call it a study hall, if you want to give that much credit. But that's just silly complaint of mine. What really bugs be is that when you have a friend and have a established that silly thing "Trust" you almost feel compelled to speak to these so called friends as though they were really "friends." Well that was the point I was at Monday morning. Don't feel like making it specifically relevant by explaining in detail how it related to me but nonetheless this fiasco became check 2 on my list of "Stresses."
School kept going. I realized on Tuesday I was loosing my best friend. And I remain distant from them not wanting to express my disagreement with her choice to depart from one another. At that point i just felt alone. I hate that feeling, loneliness. Its pointless and yet so effective. Check 3 on that list.
I slowly come to realize the increasing impossibility of containing perplexities and making sense of senseless within. I'm all too self aware sometimes and its becoming detrimental to my sanity and overall health. My cognitivity is now only a fools tactic to avoid the unavoidable. Meaning that despite my ability to know the subtleties of my character and the things they do to people; the moment people doing something blatantly obvious and direct to me, I crumble within. I know... I'm confusing. Well let me explain this in a way that's not so Bob Dylan.
Okay. The only way to explain my deteriorating esteem is to explain how the last straw broke the camels back this week. So. Last Saturday, I went to Marymount University, a school I've been accepted to. I wanted to see the school I'd be in, if i choose to go there. After the open house event, I was left with a lot of concerns regarding my possible admission to this school. I'm going to be honest, I have my reservations. I just don't think a suburban atmosphere is one for me. I love the city. All I've ever wanted to be is a face in the crowd and to commit to individuality on my own terms. I don't know, that conviction of mine is an ambiguous one to say the least. I want to be invisible but only when I want to. I want to be a faceless person among a crowd but not a number at a school. I want to be alone, but my fucking codependency won't ever let me. Cosas de la cual se tienen que pensar.
Anyway college is a mindfuck right now. Its not some silly decision you can retract the moment you realize the freshmen fifteen is not a myth or that you got "accidentally" date raped while dancing to Daddy Yankee. There are bigger things to think about. These schools; they love to convince you through the mundane. I just can't react to that anymore. I am past the frivolity. I want to see how high I can fly. The point is I've been a wreck since. But it's not like I've never been a stressful wreck before.Its like that constant in my life. You know; the way anorexics are hungry all the time, so much so that they forget they are. Its just that feeling they've come to accept as a normality... well that's stress for me. And thus this will forever be the only comparison between me and a anorexic... you see I am text book OPPOSITE of a thinspo person.
The stress derived by my worries about college were only to be included on my growing lists of "stresses." I started the week at school fine. I mean as fine as school can be. Art. What interesting IB course that is. First of all, by no dimension of the world should the art course I'm currently enrolled in be labeled an IB class. You can perhaps call it a study hall, if you want to give that much credit. But that's just silly complaint of mine. What really bugs be is that when you have a friend and have a established that silly thing "Trust" you almost feel compelled to speak to these so called friends as though they were really "friends." Well that was the point I was at Monday morning. Don't feel like making it specifically relevant by explaining in detail how it related to me but nonetheless this fiasco became check 2 on my list of "Stresses."
School kept going. I realized on Tuesday I was loosing my best friend. And I remain distant from them not wanting to express my disagreement with her choice to depart from one another. At that point i just felt alone. I hate that feeling, loneliness. Its pointless and yet so effective. Check 3 on that list.
Tuesday night gave birth to check 4,5,6 on that list. That evening I saw a movie "Gardens of the Night" and it took me forever to watch it because it was so unsettling and sad and also I was a blogging a review for it. Anyway I was really upset after it, unusually enough. I got sick like right after the film. And my doctor has since told me that when ever I;m under any distress I can get sick like this. But i find it so unusual because I'm always stressed so why should it happen at specific moments for which I don't realize I'm really under any separate stress. My room was a mess and I went to sleep depressed. Like for-real depressed. I was so unusually upset and i had no reason to satisfy my confusion. I went to sleep.
woke up. Same shit. Depressed. I went to art. Now. I have these classmates I sit with. They're these girls who, for all intensive purposes, are really truly good people. We are not compatible as friends. They think I'm judgmental and I think they are childish. Middle school and boys is just beyond my realm of interest and I'm just so sorry I'll never get to melt into their compelling discussion. It'll always be that void in my heart.
Anyway. False hugs were delivered as I entered the art room. Even worse they say I love you..."Love" is such an awfully overrated word. Love has within its very veins one of the most intense connotations existent. So for these silly girls to throw it at me is unnecessary. You know those components aren't really my problem with our relationship. The thing is, is that I’ve always thought that friends were supposed to be there for each other. So when I ask them for help weeks in advance for something I know they can help me with and they say yes; I come to expect that they will help me. I was a fool to think so. Because in the end they pretended not to have ever heard me and I'm left alone. It's good though now I know they're not those kind of friends and I've learned to stick to myself .
Anyway the tension was thick in the air. And I was working hard at matting my artwork. I had a piece of work I recently made, of a nude woman, on the table on which the girls were working on. I saw that one of the girls was working on her piece that she had started along time ago. There is a striking similarity between my piece and hers in that both pieces depict a nude woman from the perspective of her back side and that the hands melt into the thighs. She began to erase the head of her depicted subject. Now, in an attempt to make the obvious funny I said, "Now they'll really look the same." The girls look at each other as if they work as one person and giggle and they say in broken synchronization, "she made it first, I made it first" each saying it respectively. I knew exactly what they were saying. So I said, "you can't be serious, do you think I copied your work?" and as if time has stopped if only for a split second (melodrama is amazing) she said, "maybe."
What a lovely dialogue we had participated in. Last thing i said was "this is outrageous." I mean it really was, she accused me of coping her working. I mean not only did she question my integrity but she also questioned the authenticity of my work. And all with one word, "maybe." How brilliant. I mean if the time comes when i have to defend myself to someone who matters, I will explain that my exact moment of inspiration for the visual depiction of the piece was when Kirsten Dunst was nude in the film Marie Antoinette. But never should I have to prove that to her. I let my art teacher know, i don't want it in my art show. And that was that. Two friends down the drain along with a piece of work. And I felt shitty. And I took it that way because she knows how serious i take my art. Whatever the simple fact is, friends are only friends for as long as you kiss there ass after that you realize that trust is pretend and that there truly is beauty in the breakdown.
The situation with the art got messy. But I let it go. It did make me realize that, that friend i thought I was losing was really the only friend I've had for more than 2 years. Are reunion was much needed. We realized that we're nearing adulthood and that our inevitable separation is coming up. So the only thing to do now is enjoy ourselves. We talked and talked and now we're cool. And it feels like home again.
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